(OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER FOLLOWS)

(Note to my readers: the comments I make about men are based on my experience with them--talking with them, overhearing them, reading what they have written, and so on. They are not intended to refer to any man in particular, and any individual man may or may not have any of these characteristics. I do not hate men! I have a wonderful father and I have had some extremely precious male friends. So if what I say does not apply to you (or your husband, your father, your lover, etc.), please remember I am not writing about any man in particular and I probably do not even know that man you are thinking about.)

As soon as I started to think about this issue, before I set a single word down on paper, I became angry. I am angry because in my experience women, no matter what choices they make about their sexuality, cannot deal reasonably with men. The expectations men have of women put them into a "damned if you do, and damned if you don't" situation. Here are only some of the double-binds they face:

To be, or not to be virgin. The former male requirement of virginity before marriage amounted to what was disguised retroactive property ownership. I still hear men say that they want to marry virgins. (In America, in 1981, 26% of men said they wanted to marry virgins.) I believe (and hope) that there are more modern issues at stake and that men do not really view women as property anymore. Now, perhaps men worry about their ability to perform in bed, and do not want a woman to be able to compare their technique with anyone else's. It is a shame that men will not listen even when a woman tells them she is not comparing them, and does not want to compare them.

The speed factor. (When I was growing up, it was whether to kiss on the first date.) Times have changed. Now men want sex, and want it quickly. I prefer to let the acquaintanceship grow for several months, and most men decide not to wait until I feel enough trust to have a fully open experience. With the trust that builds over time, I have a better experience. But my experience with men is that men do not want a great experience; men want to get laid. And to engage in lovemaking too quickly can lead men to devalue the experience and the woman. In America, this is the "I'll call you" phenomenon . . . the man takes the woman's telephone number and promises another date, but then never follows up on it.

Initiative. Men complain about being required to take the initiative in sex, in everything from first eye contact to last caress. However, I have come to the conclusion that men are not ready to give up the responsibility. Women who take the initiative in lovemaking (especially at first) are devalued. (That is, a man thinks "slut." Don't laugh. I've heard men talk about women who take the initiative, and very few men really want to have the woman initiate sex.)

Honesty about technique. Men complain they do not know what to do, and they do not know if they are doing the right thing. But let a woman make a suggestion (such as "slower," or "not so hard," or "Ouch! that hurts!") and the man suddenly perceives the woman as a "traffic cop!"

How many lovers? This is a dangerous question and should never be asked, and definitely should never be answered. Men want to be special (and, indeed, sweetie, you are, or I wouldn't be in bed with you in the first place), but they cannot bear the idea that a woman found more than two or three men special. Again, they devalue the woman if they get an answer to this question that they do not like or are not prepared for. Yet, somehow, each man thinks that women should unquestioningly want to go to bed with him, and he doesn't think that the five, ten, twenty or fifty men before him wanted and thought the same exact thing.

The Madonna/whore split. Yes, it is still there. Men tend either to idealize or devalue women. If a man idealizes her, she is a Madonna with no sexual feelings. If he devalues her, she has only sexual feelings. It is a hard choice to make, because I want to fully integrate my sexuality into the rest of my life. My sexuality is inextricably bound up with everything else that I am. But this artificial dichotomy prevents me from being able to do so without guilt.

The vagina dentata. Men tend to believe that, unbridled, women's sexuality is dangerous. Society has established very rigid controls on women's sexuality. Part of the dynamic of a relationship is that the less powerful person in the relationship uses availability of sex as a means of control. As women begin to discover their personal power, they will feel more freedom to be sexual and abandon the restrictions. But men are frightened of women's sexuality. Not just the ability to have babies or multiple orgasms, but frightened on a more primitive level. Kraft-Ebbing says, "The whole world would be a bordello, and marriage and the family unthinkable." I see it in modern media images of women, too, and I can't understand it. Why? I don't know, but I would really be interested to hear from men.

And this indoctrination influences my perceptions of women as well. I see a Czech woman in sexy clothes on the street or at work, and I simultaneously think two things: first, here is a woman who is not afraid to express her sexuality and I am impressed by her ease in doing so. . . . and second, I think, is this woman dressing solely to attract the attention of men? Is she so insecure that she needs men to tell her that she is sexy? Does she derive her sexuality only from the response of men to her body?

Part of my conflict in my perceptions of other women as sexual beings is caused my own conflicts in how to present myself as a sexual being. Yes, I at times enjoy the appreciation of men for my body. There are days and times when I would like to be thought of as "sexy." But I do not want to be perceived only as sexual; I want to be noticed as a whole person, and the sexual part of my being is not a separate category from the rest of me. My sexuality is integrated with my thoughts, my feelings, and all the rest of me, and I want each part of it to be appreciated. Especially in a touch-deprived society, it's difficult to accomplish this.

So what is the answer? I want to talk about these issues with the important people in my life, both men and women. I doubt that men are uncaring or uninterested in such an important part of my life; perhaps only that they do not know how to think about these ideas, that they have never thought about these ideas, or that they do not realize how important these ideas are to the women who share their lives. So to all my friends, I say: Tell me what you are thinking. Maybe by talking about the insecurities we experience in our sexual lives, we can improve them. Certainly thinking and talking about them will not make them any worse than they are!

In any case, I have become tired of having only these either/or choices. Surely there is some other way! I want to be able to discover new possibilities for my sexuality and how I express it. But as long as others react to my expression of my sexuality in such limited ways, I cannot begin to explore what I might want. I would like to see the little girls of today grow up unhampered by artificial restrictions and free to express themselves in whatever way they want. It might be too late for me, but awareness of these issues might make it possible for them.

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